For some people, taking a lover may seem a solution to the dullness of marriage, but this can prove rather a problematic solution for many emotional and moral reasons.

 

In this posting, I would like to focus upon the issue of the ideal age of the lover. The view, presented here by two people, runs contrary to the popular belief that a young lover is better,

 

Benjamin Franklin, the American Statesman, who wrote a book entitled Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress, refer to the age of the lover as a way to reduce the difficulties of marital affairs. Though he said that marriage is best, he added that if one does not take his advice and insists on having a mistress, one should prefer old women to young ones. Franklin listed eight reasons for preferring older mistresses:

1. Older women have greater knowledge of the world;

2. When women cease to be handsome, they study to be good: they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility;

3. There is no hazard of children;

4. They are more discreet in conducting an affair;

5. Although an older woman could be distinguished from a younger one by her face, regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an old from a young one;

6. The sin is less as the debauching of a virgin may make her for life unhappy;

7. The compunction is less: having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflections, none of which can attend the making an old woman happy;

8. Older women are more grateful.

 

Without going too deeply into Franklin's advice, I would like to examine whether there is a gender difference in this regard or whether it is advisable for those women who are unable to solve their marriage difficulties to take an old lover.

Julia, a beautiful married woman in her mid-thirties who has an older lover, accepts the above idea in general. Her view may be summarized in the following points:

1. Older men have a better career position and can be useful in helping you to advance your career;

2. When men begin to lose their looks, they learn to be good: they substitute for their diminished appearance by increasing their helpfulness;

3. There is no danger of them insisting upon dissolving their marriage in order to embark upon a long-term relationship with you; older men are more stable by nature.

4. They are more discreet in conducting an affair and they often have more opportunities to do so;

5. While their sexual ability may be somewhat reduced (although Viagra can take care of this), they offer much greater emotional support and intimacy than their younger counterparts.

6. The wrongdoing is reduced by the fact that he is more responsible for his choices and is more likely to be able to handle the compromises involved in such an affair;

7. The compunction is less: making a boy or a young man miserable is likely to cause you remorse, which is unlikely to occur when making an old man happy;

8. Older men are more grateful.

9. There is less risk of them leaving you for another woman; thus one's heart is less likely to be broken;

10. Older men are less of a threat to a younger husband, should the affair be exposed.

11. As a relationship with an older lover is of different nature, it can complement your marital relationship and can even save it.

 

Julia summarizes her attitude as follows: "My old lover makes me feel great and more wonderful than Brad Pitt would. I think beautiful men are like a Prada handbag: women want them to make other women jealous, but in the long run it's not really satisfying."

 

It seems that there are very few gender differences in the considerations regarding the advantages of taking an old rather than a young lover.

 

Despite the ‘useful' insights provided by Franklin and Julia, it is still doubtful whether having an old lover would solve all the moral and emotional difficulties connected with having an affair.

 

The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following declaration that a married person might express: "Darling, despite the dullness of our marriage, please try to avoid affairs. But if you must have one, please try to take an old lover."